When I think of Christ, I think of candy.

Goom-ba-yah, my Lord.
A spontaneous song that broke out at a campfire.

I am glad I wore shoes.
@ a campfire on retreat. In October.

I've never met them. Maybe they were really nice personally.
Regarding Hitler & Mussolini.

Are you the Brian-dude who's picking the movie?
A guest @ our annual outdoor movie night.

Hold up your cheese!
To my 19 month old daughter @ a Cincinnati Reds game.

Describe how Jesus is changing you: "Well, before if my house caught on fire I would grab my video games but now I think I would grab my Bible too."
Submitted by Cheyne Davidson

"We just want to be treated like adults; adults who play games and talk a lot."
Jr. High Girl | submitted by Cheyne Davidson

I hope heaven is like a Steak and Shake.

He's in jail because he exercised some girl.
Answer to the question: why was Paul in prison?

My entire family has hard heads. You should feel my aunt's. It's like granite.

Do you know any monks?
Via text message because this student saw a couple monks and wants to have a monk as a friend.

"Do you know where the bathroom is?"
A question a student asked me at a cookout. At MY house.

"I thought I was tan but I was just dirty."

Said after a shower following a 4 day camping trip. Submitted by Luke Trouten.

"Wow! Look at all those kites! Oh...those are birds."

Submitted by Luke Trouten.

"If Michael Jackson was still alive, I would totally pay $1,000,000 to see him do the jerk!"
Submitted by Carson Day. From camp. FYI...the jerk is a crazy hip hop dance.

"I got this pimple from licking a popcorn bag with butter on it"

How many times do you have to read the Bible before you get superpowers?
Submitted by Issac Arten

Hey mom, what's the name of that graduation song? Pomp and Circumcision?
Submitted by Aaron Tucker

My friend and I were wondering: Was God attractive? Did he have abs?
Submitted by Aaron Tucker

Student 1: "If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen."
Student 2: "We're in a gym."
During Dodge Ball. It was funny. Maybe had to be there?

"We don't want to break another cactus."
Student demonstrating responsibility during Dodge Ball since we were playing in the Kids' Ministry multipurpose room and had already damaged the set on the stage. Oops.

"My chest is too bouncy, I'm sorry!"
Yelled during Dodge Ball.

"Somethings wrong. I smelled myself and I started seeing sparkles."
Heard after a Jr. High boy, who had not showered, smelled the combination of his feet and the fart he just ripped.

Student: "I was watching this show about herpes with my grandma..."
Me: "Wait...what? You watch TV shows about STDs with your grandma?"
Student: "All the time, all the time..."

Student: "She called it wiffy," as he sat down with me @ Caribou.

Me: "Huh?"

Student: "My mom. She called it wiffy. Wifi. (insert non-verbal scoffing here)."

"Keep your noodle to yourself!"
Pool noodle, that is, just to be clear. During Hoodle Nockey.

"I'm going to grind you up and drink you in a smoothie."
Some trash talk at our annual Hoodle Nockey (floor hockey w/ pool noodles) night of chaos.

"I hope you don't think I'm a bad conferee."
Confirmand, student going through Confirmation, writing to his anonymous prayer partner.

"So you'd take a bullet for your car but not your friends?"
Comment in response to the previous statement about car being more valuable than friends (see below).

"My car is more durable than my friends."
Reason given as to why his car made his top 3 most valuables and his friends did not.

"I use my PSP more than I use my Wii."

Leader: Police dogs were first used in 1816...
Student: They had dogs back then!?!
Blurted out during the Weeklies (announcements) in response to the "Random Fact of the Day."

"Is this God talking, or Jesus...I mean, is it in the Old Testament or the New Testament?"
Submitted by Isaac Arten.

"Dog! Stop licking down there!"
Comment made to our dog during a Monopoly game @ our house. Still not sure...

"Stop rubbing the skunk on my back."
@ our jr. high winter retreat.

"You can grow your hair back & sneak me in under your new afro."
Student suggesting how he could participate in the jr. high winter retreat next year as a freshman.

"You look rather dapper this Sunday, Pastor."
Submitted by Chris Lopez.

"Going to bed soon so I'm not tired in the mourning."
Facebook status update. I suppose it's good to always be rested for mourning.

"What's the difference between a youth minister and a large pizza? A pizza can feed a family."
Submitted by Kyle Evans.

"You have a gender neutral baby?"
...we didn't find out the sex of our baby during the ultrasound. Submitted by Chris Modrzejewski.

"I'm off duty. I can hug girls now. For prolonged amounts of time."
Student ministry intern. No...no, you can't.

"You look like a homeless golfer."
Said to one of my students who had a dirty shirt and shaggy hair. Submitted by Chris Modrzejewski.

"Never eat soggy waffles."
Another life motto in our bus game. Sure.

"Like your job, love your family."
Words we youth pastors can all take to heart.

"Don't lotion your hands and then play guitar hero."

"If you're not willing to Google it, don't say it in public."
This was one students "motto to live by" in a bus game we were playing on our way to our Winter Retreat.

"She has a unibrow."
Referring to Lucy in a Charlie Brown Christmas @ our Christmas Party.

"Matt, you look like a horse."
In response to his mohawk.

"You shaved your beard. Ew... it's kind of grossing me out."

"But I don't WANT this?"
Comment after opening their gift @ the White Elephant Gift Exchange. Duh.

"Take THAT to Panera!"

"Can we have a few seconds of screaming time?"
Question asked during a group discussion.  Submitted by Luke Trouten.

"For her money is an inanimate object."
Comment on a friend's racking up $88 in iTunes charges without her parents knowledge..

Student #1: "Who's Vanna White?"
Student #2: "The lady from Jeopardy."

"There were too many butts over my face."
Comment by student about a game played in youth. Submitted by Sonya Stokes.

"I don't friend someone unless I absolutely know them."
It's amusing to me that friend has become a verb like google. I enjoy letting my mind wander and thinking of google and now friend as words like smurf that could really mean anything. I wanted so badly to tell them they shouldn't google with people unless they absolutely know them either.

Student: "Do we have youth group this week?"
Me: "No"
Student: "Why not??"
Me: "Because we had a ski trip."
Student: "Oh yeah...this is a lot of work for you, huh?"
While on a long weekend ski trip. Submitted by Amy Anderson.

"Who's that Anna girl we were singing about?"

Student after singing "Hosanna."  Submitted by Wes Henson.

"How much money do you have? Here's 50 and I've got 20 in my pants."

"Brian's over there stewing in his pot of madness."
While waiting for his parent to pick him up.

Student #1: "You would be willing to trade away Jesus and his family for a dirty old wrench?"
Student #2: "Yes."
During our White Elephant Gift Exchange.

"Go take the sneetch & end this!"
During our White Elephant Gift Exchange.

"Are we gonna donate babies?"
About the youth group adopting an orphan for $30 per month. Submitted by Aaron Tucker.

"I think pointy ears are overrated."
While watching Lord of the Rings. Submitted by Aaron Tucker.

"That really hurt when Dr. Miller* jumped on my face."
Comment during mattress "surfing" at our fall retreat. The Doctor's name has been changed.

"What's the hole in his butt for?"
Student examining a white elephant gift. Submitted by Luke Trouten.

"I sold my Wii on Craigslist."

Student #1: "Diego & Dora should get married. They're perfect for each other."
Student #2: "They're cousins."
Student #1: "It's okay as long as they're distant cousins."

Student #1: "Why aren't we leaving?"
Youthpastor: "He's primping."
Student #2: "I am not! I'm fixing my hair; it has tangles in it."

"Being tired is for losers!"
After midnight @ a student leadership retreat.

"Baptists don't dance, they play frisbee."
Text from a senior. Submitted by Aaron Tucker.

"When people die you win."
Advice from a student on how to succeed @ Apples to Apples.

"But I don't have any pants!"
Elementary students re: the upcoming Christmas concert's dress code. Submitted by Tim Walsworth.

"Can I feel your beard? He he he...scratchy."

"I found this video on the internet that taught me to make a pan flute from tampons. Can I bring it to the youth Christmas party as my white elephant gift?"
Call from a sr. high guy. Submitted by Aaron Tucker.

"My fat & sassy cold dead fingers!"
Combo yelled out by a student in a game of Apples to Apples.

Student: "I'd like a Moo Moo Mr. Cow with chicken please."
Adult: "Why is it called a Moo Moo Mr. Cow if you get chicken on it?"
Student: "Doesn't chicken come from cows?"
Ordering a Moo Moo Mr. Cow kid's burrito @ Moe's.

Teacher: "Can anyone tell me what one of the ten commandments is?"
Student: "Thou shalt not drink other people's blood."
Answer during a second and third grade Sunday School class. Submitted by Tracie Long.

Student #1: Hey look...a kitty!
Youthpastor: Let's take it home.
Student #2: Let's eat it!
At the Waffle House eating dinner on the way to a leadership retreat.

"Man, Jesus needs to quit talking for a while."
Student thumbing through a red letter edition Bible. Submitted by Luke Trouten.

Leader: "What's the significance of the three gifts given to Jesus?"
Student: "They all had a reason for why they were given."

"Thomas' hair feels like a puppy!"
Overheard from the backseat of the van on the way to a retreat.

Youthpastor: "So back then they worshipped the sun god.
Teen: "No wonder, she was so hot."
Submitted by Mark Brewer.

Youthpastor: "My bathroom at home smells like the church."
Student: "So you're taking a holy crap?"
Submitted by Justin Joyner.

Youth Pastor: "What happened to your lip?"
Student: "I got hit in the face with a cabbage by one of the leaders."
We played Ultimate Cabbage @ fall retreat.

Volunteer Staffer: "Where were you last night? I was up at 2am and you weren't here."
Student: "Having crazy sex on the beach."
Another student: "What beach?"
Sunday morning @ our fall retreat in the guys' dorm.

"You can't do the running man sitting down, you just look dirty."
Submitted by Brandi Manes.

"It's like heaven in an airhole."
Referring to finally getting the air in the van to work. Submitted by Brandi Manes.

"Is there a reason why you stacked up my bed like that? Oh...wait...I did that."
In reference to the 10 bunk mattresses barricading one of the dorm's doors @ our fall retreat last weekend.

"I was not squeezing your thigh!"
Another random statement from our fall retreat.

"Satan is a cupcake muffin. He looks delicious, but he probably has raisins or something."
Submitted by Luke Trouten.

"Who's the cupcake now, Robert?"
From Jr. High Camp.

"The kid said he was going to kill Jesus."
Overheard on our fall retreat this weekend. No idea.

"Does anyone have a hairbrush? My hair looks a-mess."
At 4am at a lock in. Submitted by Jonathan Hale.

"Yeah! Grab him in the crotch! That's the best way to take a guy down!"
During some wrestling in the guys' dorm @ a fall retreat.

"You mean you get paid for this?"
When a youth saw me pick up my check. Submitted by Tara Clark.

"I couldn't poop, so I prayed. I pooped. God does care about me!"
7th grade girl being serious. Submitted by Heather Werle.

We should call the youth group 'Unger's subordinates of piety.'
When brainstorming for a group name. Submitted by Andrew Unger.

Youth Director: "What comes after the Fall?"
Youth: "Winter."
During a discussion on the fall of man. Submitted by Eric Soard.

"one sec have to wipe hard to text and wipe lol"
During a text conversation. Submitted by Chad Hollady.

Youthworker: "You girls are not fat."
MS Girl: "You're skinny, too...for...someone your age."
Submitted by Heather Werle.

Youthworker: "Please don't spill that on my carpet, this is a rental."
Student: "So does that mean if you don't pay then they will come and roll it up and take it away?"
Said to me by one of my youth over for dinner. Submitted by Sonya Stokes.

"I am the Joneses." 

During a discussion of materialism/consumerism.

"They must have been emo."

Jr. High student commenting on why the prophets of Baal cut themselves (1 Kings 18).  Submitted by Brandon Schmidt.

"It's really comfy wearing your pants this high."

Jr. High student, in response to wearing their shorts pulled up nerd style after hearing a talk about how appearance doesn't matter like we think it does.

"Ahhh . . . I love church smell."

Submitted by Stephen Thiessen.

"Can we take the seats out of the church van, drive around, and have wrestling matches?"

"God is not a cow........ but so many people think he is and that they can milk his utters for whatever they want."

Things students in one small group are thankful for:

   _Life

   _Family

   _Friends

   _Everyday safety

   _Dad payed $4,000 to mom

   _No drugs

   _Dad kicked out Kerry

   _Not pregnant

"My Wii broke & my mom put it in a box and sent it away to get fixed." 

"Footie pajamas are awesome! You put mashed potatoes in the feet and say, 'Look mom! A rat!'"

"I was up playing with my Wii until like 2am."

ME: OK, so what was that pill you lost for?

STUDENT: It was my Viagra.

ME: Your Viagra?

STUDENT: Yes, my Viagra.  For my allergies.

ME: Do you mean your Allegra?

STUDENT: Oh, yeah, my Allegra.  Viagra?  What’s Viagra?

ME: Ummm…

STUDENT :: Oh Wait! Never mind!!!

Dialogue @ a big jr. high event in the food line in regards to a student in panic over losing some medication.  Submitted by Rich Landosky.

Student #1: "She got pregnant by the Holy Spirit? That's awkward."
Student #2: "That's fly."
During a discussion on the Apostles Creed regarding the statement "was conceived by the Holy Spirit."

"I have 2 questions, can the kids eat marshmallows for dinner and is it okay to get on the table."
A boy student was baby sitting while we went on a date and he called to ask this. Submitted by Matt Adams.

"If everybody else didn't care I'd be naked right now."
In response to a comment about not being able to take anything with you when you go. Naked we come and naked we go.

"Are we allowed to jump through the bon fire?"
Submitted by Darryl Nelson.

"Are you sure? My mom won't even let me eat off the breakable dishes."
In response to us asking if a student wanted to hold our newborn. Submitted by Matt Adams.

"Why do we put our heads down toward the devil when we pray?"
Submitted by Isaac Arten.

"I don't ADHD, I have ADOS...Attention deficit, ooooh, shiny."

"Do we get to ride on it?"

Student response to a visit to a stop on the underground  railroad.  Submitted by Liz Simmons.

"I see the connection, Jesus cursed the fig tre, Adam and Eve wore fig leaves..."

Submitted by Jon Greenhill.

"Are we taking a bus or the vans to Africa?"

Student asking a question about our mission trip.  Submitted by Eddie Granell.

"Satan is not a nerd.  Satan is the devil!"

Submitted by Oren Conner.

"I want to be different, just like everyone else."

Submitted by Oren Conner.

"It's like Jesus had his own parchessi."

Student talking about the disciples being the "poparazzi."  Submitted by Aaron Landis.

"What if you were a woman, and were blind and had ADD? The world would be overwhelming."

"Obama is a politician, but McCain is a better politician."
Student's reason for liking John McCain. Submitted by Brandon Schmidt.

Youthworker: "Joey, you're an instigator."

Student: "I'm not an instigator, I'm a boy."

Submitted by Chris Swarthout.

"My mom's a gynecologist if you need to talk about anything." 

Bad pick up line @ camp last summer.  Submitted by Corey Miller.

"No matter what you get paid too much for this."

In response to my explaining 4-way dodgeball.  Submitted by Mike Henry

"Can we invite our friends to church?"

Submitted by Matt Oaks

"Roses are read, violets are blue, hot sauce is hot, but not as hot as you."

Submitted by Marc McLean

"It's human nature to be self-centered, self-absorbed pricks."

In reponse to the question "Why do we all want so much stuff?"  

Me: "Where does the time go?"

Student: "It went in my cheese. Which went on my nachos. Which went in my stomach. Which was delicious."

"I was just laying hands on her and praying."
The response to my correction of a student who had his hand on his girlfriend's lower stomach during worship.

"100% God, 100% Man........ 200% Awesome!"
In response to learning about the hypostatic union.

"Anything with lions and unicorns is awesome."

In the context of a "Is it in there?" Bible quiz, referencing the translation of Psalm 22.21 in the KJV.

"Janine is a social mind slave of the masses."

Response to a "case study" of a girl who didn't want her friend to go on a mission trip.

"Is it a hot prostitute?"
During a discussion of Hosea in response to the question, "What would you do if God called you to marry a prostitute?"